City 2 West Ham 1; and a gratuitous Bin Laden reference...

Manchester City look to have all but secured Champions League qualification (you can read a bit more about that below) after grinding out a 2-1 victory over bottom-placed club West Ham United. And with Manchester United and Tottenham failing to pick up a point between them, a good weekend quickly turned into a great one for City fans. And Arsenal fans too, I suppose. Well, except for one, of course...

Manchester City were always going to be too strong for West Ham considering the difference in league position, and of course the matter of City having spent almost as much money on players in the off season as the US had in Afghanistan etc...

The task was made even tougher for West Ham before the clash, with Scott Parker missing the match to sign a contract with Tottenham with injury. Not even director David Sullivan could be bothered making the trip up to the match, such was his resignation to the outcome. But aside from a calamitous opening fifteen minutes, in which even the goal-shy Nigel de Jong managed to get on the goal sheet (and not from a mistimed slide tackle, amazingly), the Hammers didn't disgrace themselves by any means.

They could have concievably drawn the game too, had Carlton Cold's late effort found the net. It seems quite apt that a player with that name goes around for West Ham. Just like the beer, the Hammers were a lot bigger in the 90's and struggle to remain relevant today. And I'd hardly describe anything they do on the football pitch as "crisp"...

Carlton Cole — definitely a poor man's Becks...

It looks like "that's yer lot" as far as West Ham go for this season. Professional-overseer-of-relegations and Toad-From-Toad-Hall-understudy, Avram Grant, is still of the belief his side can amass 39 points and avoid relegation — if their season followed that same trajectory (seven points in the next three games) they'd be leading the league by 16 points.

Of course, the chances of that happening are about as likely as those of him being around to celebrate when they eventually attain that tally, in September 2012, are about as unlikely as Nigel de Jong ever scor... oh.

The Race For Fourth (Or Third?) — 4 games to go.

Manchester City moved within touching distance of the all-important Champions League place, courtesy of a 2-1 victory over West Ham. Coupled with Tottenham's recent failures against West Bromich Albion and Chelsea, fourth place is really City's to throw away.

It's at this point where the maths become extremely simple.

Tottenham sit on 55 points, with four matches to play — and two of those are formidable fixtures against City and Liverpool away from home.

The absolute most points they can amass from those fixtures is twelve, which would bring their total to 67. Therefore, with Manchester City currently sitting on 62, and with a vastly superior goal difference to the chasing pack — all it will take is five more points from the next four fixtures for City to be almost mathematically certain (massive goal-difference swing aside) of finishing in the top four.

Even the most pessimistic fan would find it hard to devise a scenario where City could now miss out on qualification. Being as conservative as possible, Manchester City should pick up a minimum of four points from the final four fixtures.

Both Everton and Tottenham have presented many problems for City in the past, so it's difficult to predict wins against either of the two — as long as City don't lose on 10 May against Spurs at Eastlands, then qualifcation is all but assured.

4. Manchester City

Games played: 34
Goal difference: +22
Recent form: 4 wins, and 2 losses. 12 points from the last 18 (4th).
Points: 62

Upcoming Fixtures:

A Everton (7th)

H Tottenham (6th)

FA Cup Final: Stoke City

H Stoke City (10th)

A Bolton (8th)

Predicted points total: 66 (4 more)

5. Liverpool
Games played: 35
Goal difference: +15 (7 worse off than City)
Recent form: 4 wins, 1 draw, and 1 loss. 13 points from the last 18 (2nd).
Points: 55 (seven behind City)

Upcoming Fixtures:

A Fulham (9th)

H Tottenham Hotspur (6th)

A Aston Villa (13th)

Predicted points total: 62 (7 more)

6. Tottenham Hotspur
Games played: 34
Goal difference: +7 (15 worse off than City)
Recent form: 1 win, 4 draws, and 1 loss. 7 points from the last 18 (13th).
Points: 55 (seven behind City)

Upcoming Fixtures:

H Blackpool (17th)

A Manchester City (4th)

A Liverpool (5th)

H Birmingham City (15th)

Predicted points total: 63 (8 more)

The Race For Fourth (Or Third?) — 6 games to go.

Whilst many people have talked about the unpredictability of this season, there have been some elements that have been painfully too familiar.

United cantering to another title, despite being written off as "not that good" and "past it" — a mistake people have been making for years — and unfortunately, players such as Bryan Riggs and Paul "I got there as soon as I could" Scholes are still able to have an impact, despite their combined age of 104.

Arsenal playing the best short-pass-tippy-tap-tippy-tap-olé-olé football this side of Barcelona (and Brisbane Roar), but finding ways to throw away points that even Manchester City haven't thought of yet. It's amazing they're still anywhere near the title race, considering they've thrown away a four goal lead at Newcastle, conceded a 102nd minute equaliser against Liverpool, and lead by two goals in both fixtures against Tottenham, only for the games to finish 2-3 and 3-3 respectively.

And as for City... after spending more on new players this year than the entire GDP of Kiribati, we find ourselves in the exact same quagmire that we did last season — a battle for fourth place with Spurs, including a ding-dong winner-takes-all home play-off in the final days of the campaign.

Using a bit of statistical analysis and plain old guesswork, we've tried to predict how the season will turn out.

4. Manchester City

Games played: 32
Goal difference: +20
Recent form: 2 wins, 1 draw, and 3 losses. 7 points from the last 18.
Points: 56

Upcoming Fixtures:

A Blackburn (16th)

H West Ham United (19th)

A Everton (7th)

H Tottenham (5th)

FA Cup Final: Stoke City

H Stoke City (13th)

A Bolton (8th)

Predicted points total: 66 (10 more)

Trying to be as realistic/conservative as possible, Manchester City should pick up at least ten points from the final six fixtures.

Winning the next two matches would mean that City would be in the box seat for qualification to the Champions League. However, Blackburn and West Ham are both in danger of relegation — and of course, matches against relegation threatened teams are notoriously tough at this stage of the season. And West Ham have the same results as City over the last six matches (2-1-3 for seven points), so they're not to be taken lightly. Having said that, with the Blues on a high from their recent FA Cup semi final win, these two teams should present little danger for City.

The games against Everton and Tottenham however, may present a problem. Both are teams that we City struggled to beat in recent seasons — we've lost four on the trot at home against both clubs. There is also a short turn-around between the two games to consider (the Everton game is on Saturday, the Spurs game just two clear days later on the Tuesday), which means that Mancini may be forced to rest key players like David Silva and Nigel de Jong ahead of the clash against Tottenham. City may only take one point from these two fixtures — if any.

The game against Stoke, just three days after the FA Cup final against the same opponents is an interesting prospect. Especially when a Manchester City win could inversely help Stoke qualify for the Europa League by virtue of being the Cup runners-up and the winner (City) qualifying for the Champions League.

Conservatively, we've predicted that City will only win one of the last two fixtures — a win against Stoke and a defeat at Bolton (most likely on the back of goals to Daniel Sturridge and Martin Petrov). Even so, City should manage enough points to sneak ahead of Spurs, even with a defeat at the Reebok.

There's still a slight chance that City can even overhaul Arsenal and claim third place. The Gunners have drawn five of the last six games, with the only winning coming against the hapless Blackpool. But ultimately, success in the FA Cup, and reaching the fourth and final Champions League qualification spot should be the main focus for the team and the fans.

And I'm sure we'd all take that if offered.

5. Tottenham Hotspur
Games played: 32
Goal difference: +8 (12 worse off than City)
Recent form: 1 win, 4 draws, and 1 loss. 7 points from the last 18.
Points: 54 (two behind City)

Upcoming Fixtures:

H West Bromich Albion (11th)

A Chelsea (2nd)

H Blackpool (18th)

A Manchester City (4th)

A Liverpool (6th)

H Birmingham City (15th)

Predicted points total: 65 (11 more)
For the second consecutive season, an away match against Manchester City will be key in deciding fourth place — and we know what happened last time. But wins against West Brom, Blackpool, and Birmingham, with draws at City and Liverpool, should see Tottenham fall one point short.

City 1 Rags 0: We're the famous Sydney Blues and we're going to Wembley!

Normally, we'd do some kind of post-match postmortem, using big words and ham-fisted analogies to make some sort of judgment or comment about the game.

We won't do with this game for a number of reasons — the most pertinent of which is that I don't actually remember that much about the game. I know Berbatov missed a couple of sitters in the space of a couple of seconds. I think we did actually score a goal (that happened, didn't it?), and I remember Wigan winning away at Blackpool because I had them on my multi. Apart from that, nothing.

The one thing that will always remain with me was the sheer unbridled ecstasy of Yaya Toure's goal. I don't think anyone there has celebrated like that in their lives! I had a half full beer at the time, where that went afterwards is anybody's guess. Rohan probably wore it, most likely.

We've had countless nights at Cheers in the past, and this was probably the biggest yet. I would say most memorable, but again I (and I suspect many others), don't remember that much about it.

So to everyone who joined in with the laughs, the songs ("Can you hear United sing? No, noooo.... shooooooooooooooooooooosh"), and the many renditions of the Poznan, thanks for coming down. I know there were some new faces I've never seen before, I'll try to remember your names next time you're down there and I'm more sober. Especially "Troy Dann" in his bloody big hat.

You're all legends.

More photos from the night are on the Lesson In Pride facebook page, here.

Liverpool 3 City 0: You build me up, just to tear me down...

You would have thought after all these years of supporting City, we'd have learned by now.

How many tiiiiiiiimes (Sydney Blues in-joke right there) have we thought "maybe, just maybe, this is the end of Typical City™".

All we need to do is beat Middlesbrough and we're in Europe. Bring on the trophies.
We've been taken over by a Thai Prime-Minister, we're set for life. Bring on the trophies.
We're in the top four at Christmas, sign Sven up for life. Bring on the trophies.
We've been taken over by rich Arabs and they've just bought Robinho. Bring on the trophies.
We've just smacked Sunderland, get past Liverpool and we'll smack the Rags in the FA Cup. *This* time, we'll take home a trophy.

We fell for it. Again.

So just when we'd thought the Blues had turned the corner after the 5-0 demolition of Sunderland, Mancini's men put up one of the meekest displays seen this season, as they were beaten like a Southport DJ who refused to play Phil Collins convincingly by three goals to nil.

However, a sight more heart-breaking than any opposition scoreline was that of Carlos Estevez trudging up the tunnel with a hamstring injury that almost certainly will keep him out of the FA Cup semi final on Saturday.

In situations like this, it's important to try and keep a sense of perspective about things, and not over-react. Many of the same City fans that were calling Mancini a tactical genius last week are now calling for his head.

"We did not play for the first 20 minutes, when Liverpool played very well. But tonight I made some mistakes, so it is my fault. The players could do better, but I made mistakes."

"I’m sorry for the fans, because we only started to play after 20 minutes. It’s for me to know what I did."

"Liverpool started quickly, they are strong at home and we conceded a lot of chances to them early. After that we played, but not in the first 20 minutes. With all the other teams having won at the weekend, it was important to win this game but it is important we forget this and prepare for the semi final." said Mancini, conveniently overlooking the fact that we played shit in minutes 21 through 93, as well.

Although it was nice to see him admit that defeat was his fault (although there were not many players who could hold their heads up after that performance either), how about accepting responsibility for the fact we're on track for a lower points tally than last season despite spending over £100 million?

I really don't want to turn this into a slag-the-manager/slag-the-players post. Because that's not what this website, or indeed the Sydney Blues, is about. There's enough people out there tripping over themselves to put shit on the club as it is — and some of them even claim to be City fans. But there is I one burning issue I have with the manager — and it would be interesting to see if I can ask him this in the flesh (without hearing the words "important", "strange", or "this is a football").

How come every crunch game, every must-win game, every game where something big is on the line — we fuck it up? And it can't be chalked off as another occurrence of Typical City™.

I can't think of him winning an absolutely critical game. I know loads that we've lost. Carling Cup semi second leg, Rags at home, Tottenham at home, Everton at home, Rags away, Kiev away and home, Chelsea away, Liverpool away and etc and so forth.

The manager has this weekend to prove us wrong. Save your job Roberto — and more importantly, save our season.

City 5 Sunderland 0: Blood on the dance floor...

There's something magical about a big Manchester City win. You just can't beat it. On the back of one ninety-minute display of "totale calcio" by City, the dark clouds of an deteriorating 2010-11 season quickly disappeared, to be replaced by a glorious, intense double rainbow.

Last week, fourth looked a million miles away. Now, with that win, plus just about every team in our vicinity failing (draws to Arsenal, Chelsea, and Tottenham, plus defeats to Liverpool and Bolton. Unfortunately the Rags won, but annoyingly, they've been nigh on invincible all season). We have a big chance to make history, and it's time for City fans to keep the faith.

Yes, it may have been a five-nil thriller — but it was only Sunderland. A team that has been in free-fall since selling Darren Bent in January. A team that has not scored in seven hours of football since February 12, and has collected one point in the last twenty-one available. It's not that impressive a result, really.

Not everything is black and white in football — indeed, the scoreline sometimes does not tell the whole story, and can often unfairly flatter or shame a team. In this case, the winning margin was not so much of importance, rather the manner of victory was. We looked dangerous every time we had the ball. It's very difficult to remember the time we dominated a match so convincingly.

You are not alone if you believe that Roberto Mancini and his tactics are too defensive/negative/Italian. There have been occasions this season where he has definitely told players to keep it in the closet, rather than go all out for the win. However, it's a myth that is easily believed by the tabloid junkies — just like the one about the Tottenham Globetrotters being some bastion of good old-fashioned attacking football, despite scoring less goals than all three promoted clubs this season.

Now that the team is back from an international break — and the manager can no longer peddle the tired "we are tired" excuse — we saw a different Manchester City. And it's no surprise that we looked so good in the first match of Adam Johnson's return (scoring nine minutes in was definitely not a bad way to signal it either), plus with Yaya Toure in a slightly deeper role in defensive midfield, and dare I say it, without Gumboots Gaz to slow everything down.

Mancini is now in a bit of a jam. Does he stick with the tactics that have so far led the side to third in the league and the semis of the FA Cup Sponsored By Ian, or does he go with this new cavalier attitude that we saw against Sunderland against the better sides like Liverpool and United? Seven games left in the league (one of which we'll be there in the flesh), and it's already shaping up to be a grand finale. I have butterflies already!

In honour of Mohammed al-Fayed's curious decision to build a statue of Michael Jackson at Craven Cottage, this post is littered with MJJ song titles. How many can you find? Leave the answer in the comments. Shamone!

City 1 Kiev 0: More "Waluigi" than "Super Mario"...

Manchester City limply exited the Ropey League at the Round of 16 stage — despite winning 1-0 on the night — after failing to overturn the two-goal deficit inflicted from the first leg by Dynamo Chicken Kiev.

It was a valiant effort by those ten players that could be bothered staying on the pitch, dominating the game for long periods despite the numerical shortfall.

For not the first time this season (or even not the first time against Dynamo Kiev), Mario Balotelli has let down the club, and probably more concerning than that, the manager that has defended him so vehemently. He was only on the pitch for 35 minutes, but even it that time managed to miss a gilt-edge chance, and throw his toys out of his pram on a regular basis.

At his wit's end, Mancini has turned to Super Nanny Jo Frost for inspiration, and relegated Balo to the naughty chair before Sunday's game at Stamford Bridge.

"I don't think he'll be in the squad," he mused.

"If Mario thinks, he could be a fantastic player. But this is his problem. When he does stupid things like tonight it's difficult for him, for me and for the team."

Whether City would have worn down Kiev to at least force extra-time we'll never know, but Mancini certainly seemed to think that they were a chance against a team that never looked like scoring an away goal that would have killed the tie.

Defenders of Joey Bartelli (if there are any left) will suggest that his petulance is due to 'his tough up-bringing'/'being racially abused his whole life'/'his homesickness'/'being just a kid'/'not being tucked into bed as a child' or a combination of the lot. But this constant defending and mollycoddling of Balo is part of the problem.

It's probably the same excuses he used, or people used, to explain his attitude when he was six. And twelve. And sixteen. And now at twenty, with the potential and the talent to be absolutely anything, he is still a little boy. An arrogant, petulant, ill-tempered boy who may wear a Blue shirt, but does not play for City.

I'm not sure if he can play for the club again this season, unless he has a complete attitude overhaul. His cards have been marked. Opposition teams are going to goad him into a reaction, and referees are going to penalise him knowing he has a reputation for doing so.

Maybe Baliability would benefit from some time in the reserves, but you'd get the impression he'd just stink up the pitch for the whole 90 minutes.

I try to like him, I really do. I found him quite refreshing at first. I even bought myself a Hatotelli... but it's extremely difficult to defend a player that has such disdain for the club that pays his wages.

Say what you like about Jo's shitness (and believe me, we have) at least you get the impression that he actually tries to not be shit.

Baliability needs the assistance of an adult to complete even the simplest of tasks, such as dressing himself, or going pot-pot.

It's still the wrong way around Mario! Oh forget it...

City 1 Reading 0; Micah's head gives City fans a semi...

Manchester City set up a mesmerising, tantalising semi-final with Them Lot Down The Road, after edging past Reading in a now customary less-than-inspiring performance.

Lack of depth has been a recent concern for City, however Mancini was able to call on the fit-again Nigel de Jong, and Subbuteo Wright-Phillips for this match — the latter of which showing a glimpses of the form that made him a terrace favourite for many years. It was fitting that the by far the best two players on the pitch were involved for the goal, with Maicon Richards nodding home a David Silva corner to ensure progression.

"It felt amazing," he declared, thankfully managing not to swear unlike last time the defender scored a header from a corner in the FA Cup.

"To come through the youth academy and to get us so far in the competition is an unbelievable feeling. We have United in the semis, which makes it more special. We can't wait."

"It makes it more interesting. If we want to win the competition we have to beat the best." Richards whooped, whilst wearing his favourite sequined fur robe.

Richards wasn't the only one getting all giddy about the prospect, with the club releasing a range of Wembley-inspired merch just minutes after the final whistle. There's nothing that says "small-time" like a piece of cheap commemorative tat to celebrate the fact that we're not quite as shit as we used to be.

It's foam hands this season, next we'll be shouting "DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE!" when the opposition has the ball. An oversized thumbs down from me.

Man City are my favourite soccer ball team. We're number one! USA! USA!

The (over) commercialisation of the game is not something limited to clubs of course. The fact fans of two teams from Manchester (and surrounds) will have to spend an inordinate amount on tickets, as well as an inordinate amount on train/fuel to travel all the way to Wemberleeeeeee for a cup semi-final is ridiculous.

I mean, if we have to travel miles from Manchester to a soulless dump full of cockneys and day-trippers, couldn't they just have held it at Old Trafford? (Insert obvious joke about 'it may as well be a home game for them if it's in London' here).

The semi-final will be played on the weekend of 16/17 April, which is when the match between Manchester City and Tottenham is due to take place.

And in an amazing piece of segue and a disgraceful piece of shameless self-promotion: voting is still open in the Etihad Coming Home competition, where two Lesson In Pride contributors and Sydney Blues regulars, Matt and Gav, have a one-in-eight chance of seeing that aforementioned City/Spurs game live at Eastlands. But we need your votes to make it happen!

So if you like what we do, we'd really like you to vote for us (if you haven't done so already). You've wasted five minutes reading the rest of the post, so please waste another minute of your time clicking the link below and voting for Matt Coleman.

Kiev 2 City 0; Allergies, excuses, and media blackouts...

Barring an extraordinary turn-around in form in the reverse fixture, Manchester City look likely to crash out of the Ropey League at the Round of 16 after a limp 0-2 loss to Dynamo Chicken Kiev. And by failing to score a vital away goal, the Blues will now need to score at least three in the return leg to progress.

I haven't seen Mancini's post-match interview, but I imagine that it will be along the lines of "we are tired", "we're playing every three days", "it was cold", "the pitch was not good" or some other ham-fisted attempt to justify a flaccid City performance (does Kolo Toure have a pill for that too?) by almost everyone on the pitch — and that includes the referee. UEFA ban coming for LiP methinks!

And not for the first time this season, Mancini is having to defend the performance of Mario "Top Deck" Balotelli, who had to be taken off early in the second half after suffering an allergic reaction to cold weather hard work the grass. He still had plenty of time to pick up a now customary booking, of course.

"He had an allergy, I don't know what, his face was swollen. He wanted to come out for the second half but he had this problem 10 seconds before coming out for the second half. I came out one minute before the players and I didn't see Mario" Roberto explained, without actually explaining anything. Like how he got through the first forty-five minutes just fine.

Mancini opted to start with a midfield three of Zabaleta, Gumboots Gaz, and Yaya Toure...

Speaking of managers speaking, or rather not speaking — earlier this week, Slur Alex Ferguson from That Club Up The Road came under fire for enacting a strict policy of blanking every media outlet possible — whether that be the BBC, Hale Preparatory School's monthly newsletter, or seldom-updated and overly-wordy Manchester City blogs. This blackout even extended to said-club's own television station, leaving a gap in programming that had to be hastily filled by repeats of Bargain Hunt, where two teams scour the lower leagues of Europe to find "value in the transfer market".

As easy as it is to describe Ferguson's bully-boy attitude to the media as "petulant" and "deplorable" (that's because it is), I sometimes wonder whether that would be a better alternative to what Manchester City are doing at the moment.

There's no doubt that City's Official Site is fantastic. There's plenty of fresh content, and most importantly, it doesn't look like a dog's breakfast compared to some other football websites. Watching the kitman going the gurn and doing some bit about the Oscars? Fine. Eating like your favourite Manchester City player? That's okay too. (Or if that doesn't take your fancy, you could always eat like your favourite Manchester City supporter...)

But then on the eve of one of the most important games in the context of this season, the club posts this video on Facebook, showing the team piss-farting about in the hotel before the match — and right in front of the manager too! Maybe if Mario had shown that kind of urgency during the match, the side wouldn't be in the predicament they're in now?

Sure, the friand-eating, square-framed-glasses wearing types that usually work in "Social Media" think this kind of publicity is the greatest thing since bikes came with fixed-gears, but can you imagine this happening at another club? Do you think Ferguson would have stood for that? Is this the kind of thing teams with "winning mentalities" do?

I don't mind the side losing occasionally, but when it seems the team can't be arsed, it winds me up no end. Especially when I then can't be arsed to turn that into 600 or so words of "witty" prose...

#UkraineFact: The national anthem of Ukraine is the Tetris theme Type B.

City 1 Wigan 0; goals on Silva platters, and you can't spell Tourette's without Toure...

The man with the sexiest feet in world football, Asian Dave Silva, underlined just how important he is to Mancini's City (although to be fair, everything is important to him), scoring the only goal in a 1-0 win over Wigan that was at the same time, a hell of a lot closer than it should have been, as well as a lucky three points.

No matter that it owed so much to hapless Wigan keeper Ali Al Habsi, who produced a howler of Massimo Taibi proportions. But City could easily point to the several other chances they had in the first half to kill the game.

It's important to note that this match was City's forty-fifth of the season, just shy of the 48 last campaign. This means that by the time we play Dynamo Kiev in the Ropey League next week, the players will have played the same amount of fixtures by midway through March as they had through the entirety of last season. Let's just hope that tiredness is not an issue and City don't chicken out of a competition they have a decent chance of winning. Chicken out against Kiev... Chicken Kiev... is this thing on?

With City still in the hunt in three competitions, Mancini is probably lamenting his decision to send a total of ten first-team players out on loan.

"Every other team has 20 or 22 players to choose from and you need that if you are playing every three days," Mancini said. "We only have 15 or 16 at present. When we recover all our players it will not be a problem but since January we have been unlucky with niggling injuries".

This situation is definitely not helped then by Kolo Toure's suspension from the club, for taking what is only described as a "specified substance". What the specified substance is, has not been er, specified. But it is thought that it was a slimming pill belonging to his wife. Not too dissimilar from the "my Mum gave me a fluid tablet to get rid of the double-chin" excuse offered by Shane Warne when he tested positive for a diuretic on the eve of the 2003 ICC World Cup, then.

Joleon Lescott's massive forehead must be pulsating at the thought of getting more game time for City, as Toure could face a ban of up to two years as a result.

Where Kolo sits amongst such "luminaries" as Ben Johnson, Adrian Mutu, Barry Bonds, Mark McGuire, and a monthly rotation of continental European road cyclists, remains to be seen.

As it turned out, Arsene Wenger leaped to Toure’s defence, offering that the player merely took a diet pill and had done the same at Arsenal, also, due to weight problems. While that’s far more harmless than injecting steroids or choking down pain-killers like you're on the set of Two and a Half Men, it’s still against the rules — even if the offense is somewhat comparable to jay-walking.

Meanwhile, City will face Reading in the FA Cup quarter-final, leaving the side just one win from Wemberleeeeeee. And despite his side having precisely fuck-all to play for, Gerard Houllier has defended the side he put out in the 3-0 loss to City in the last round, saying "I told the boys you don't have to be ashamed of the performance, you've done well". Proving that the man who thought that a 37 year-old Robert Pires could still play Premier League football is a liar, as well as an idiot.

City 1 Fulham 1; and Hughes on the defensive (irony overload).

In a result that undoubtedly delighted lazy journalists, United fans (happy anniversary Blues, 35 years and we're still here) and residents of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, Mark Hughes FC held Manchester City to a 1-1 draw at Eastlands — in doing so picking up Fulham's eighth point in the last four meetings between the clubs at the CoMS.

Of course, we could talk about the match — such as how ineffective we looked without David Silva, how we actually looked more likely to score when a striker (Dzeko) was replaced with a midfielder (Uncle Pat), or how on earth I managed to miss a penalty from three yards yesterday — but people will not shut the fuck up about how good it was for Poor Old Hard Done-By Mark Hughes to get revenge against the three-DM-playing, job-stealing, poster child of negative football Roberto Mancini, as if he was the only manager in the history of football to be replaced before his contract had expired.

Having said that, a 'handshake' between Hughes and Mancini spoke volume of the disdain that they have for each other. Hughes is obviously aggrieved because Roberto took his job, Roberto unhappy that he was stuck with Roque Santa Cruz.

Hughes said of the 'snub': "I always think you should offer your hand in whatever circumstances, no matter how difficult it is.

"I did it and did it with sincerity after my team had been beaten 4-1 at Craven Cottage earlier in this season. I acknowledged his team were better.

"Maybe I misread it but I don't feel Roberto really acknowledged the efforts of my team and what we had done by the manner he offered his hand, by not looking at me."

Mancini rightly countered with the accusation Hughes had done exactly the same thing in November following one of City's best performances of the season.

"In London he did the same," said Mancini. "I know he said something but I couldn't understand what."For you it is may be the best thing in the match, for me, no. It is not important. He should be happy. His team got a draw against us."

Spot the difference?

In fact, Hughes was lucky to receive anything other than a bloody lip after the cheeky way he had a dig at Mancini and the club during the week, then having the hide to defend the job he did at Eastlands. Maybe if he spent more time worrying about defense on the pitch rather than off it, he'd still have a job at City...

"If you look at the City side now, I would suggest some of their main performers, and strongest, are the likes of Vincent Kompany, Nigel de Jong and Carlos Tevez. They've had a huge impact for City." he claimed. Obviously neglecting to mention the fact that Vincent Kompany wasn't a regular starter for Hughes, and has come to the fore this season playing exclusively at centre half. Or the fact that under Hughes, de Jong was a destroyer who passed sideways or backwards, but is now vital link between defence and attack.

He's got some nerve if he's claiming Tevez was his signing. He might have signed while Hughes was manager but that's about it.

If you spend several billion pounds on footballing talent, such as: Jo, Tal Ben Haim, Pablo Zabaleta, Shaun Wright-Phillips, Vincent Kompany, Glauber Berti, Robinho, Wayne Bridge, Nigel de Jong, Shay Given, Craig Bellamy, Gareth Barry, Roque Santa Cruz, Kolo Toure, Carlos Tevez, Emmanuel Adebayor, Joleon Lescott, and Sylvinho (enough players to make an entire match day squad and still leave out Jo) you'd expect one or two of them to be not all that bad, wouldn't you?

And he's doubly cheeky for suggesting that the reason those players he did sign, only underperformed because of the new manager.

"Along the way, some purchases haven't worked for whatever reasons, not really in terms of the ability those players have, but because of circumstances and the thinking of the management team and the coaches. And that happens when there's a change in management."

I'd take City under-performing our way to third place this season any day of the week, than what Hughes dished up under his tenure. Alas it seems that it's not only the managers who can't help but reopen old wounds.

Aris 0 City 0; Fresher-in-foil, and pulped programmes...

Regular readers (or more correctly, people who mistakenly click on our links on NewsNow) may have been disappointed relieved to see that we haven't as yet commented on the big Ropey League blockbuster between Manchester City and Aris, Aris, Who The Fuck Are Aris FC from earlier in the week.

We could argue that LiP has better things to do at 4am Wednesday than watch football. Perhaps sleep, or even, you know, engage in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex. But, you don't become the leading only Australia-based Manchester City blog by being distracted by other such frivolities.

Truth be told, apart the odd chortle at the names of a few opposition players — a practice now customary since Alan turned out for Energy Drink Consortium FC — there was nowt much to write home about.

Ricardo Faty and Darcy Dolce Neto were popular choices in the comedy-name stakes — although if Aris are to progress to the next round, he Asda play better than he did on Wednesday, but there's probably Lidl chance of that happening.

Neto also had the annoying habit of going down way too easily when approached by other men. Which in my personal experience with women of Greek heritage, seems to be a common trait...

Personally, I was a big fan of the rice-cracker enthusiast Sakata, who thankfully for the home fans, comes with his own ready-made, fresher-in-foil, terrace chant.

However, a couple of days after the match itself was long forgotten by those that sat through the 90 minutes of blah, it was revealed that this bit of Photoshop genius somehow made its way into the Official Match Programme:

Doctored photograph of the Manchester City squad, starring such players as Lionel Messi, Zlatan Ibrohimivic, and Loyal Wayne. Francesco Toldo makes an appearance as Where's Wally/Waldo. [SPOILER] Wally can be found just to the left of Joe Hart and the right of James Milner.

It was apparently not before Garry Cook thumbed through the programme at a pre-match function that the error was discovered, but how Aris managed to cock this up is anyone's guess. Surely an electronic communique in the weeks prior to the match could have confirmed that yes, City do/do not have a first-team squad size that rivals any NFL team. Even typing "Manchester City ομαδικός φωτογραφία" into Google images (that's "Manchester City Team Photo" for those who don't live in the land of the Doner) reveals a few interesting results, not least of which a Three Wolf Moon t-shirt. But alas, no bloated team photo.

Whilst Garry Cook saw the funny side, unfortunately all but a select few copies were destroyed (one can be yours for the bargain-basement price of £182.77 if that's your go). And unfortunately for the fans in attendance, the pulping of the match souvenirs meant that there was one thing less to distract them from the tedium on the pitch...

United 2 City 1; and the Greatest Goal of All-Time Evaarrrrr

Just over forty eight hours on from the latest installment of the Most-Massive-Manchester-Derby-of-all-time, we're still digesting the ramifications of Wayne Rooney's Bestest-Ever-Derby-Goal-of-all-time. This is assuming of course that "best", is a synomym for "most shinned".

But anyway, much like the Conquistador of Mexico, and the Belgians in the Congo, football supporters have short memories. Sho-wo-wort memories.

Apparently now Loyal Wayne Rooney is "back" after fluking his fifth goal of the season (sixteen less than at the same date last campaign), after months of indifferent form and generally playing like a busted arse (and getting a 100% pay increase to do so) the sycophantic circle-jerking over the White Heskey has returned.

The Daily Mail is going so far as to suggest that it may have been the best goal scored at Old Trafford ever — despite the fact that Rooney was his rubbish, anonymous self for 77 minutes. And the fact it was shinned. And the fact it wasn't even the best goal scored at the Theatre of Tosspots this season...

David Silva shows immense skill and awareness to arse-volley Manchester City's equaliser.

Slur Alex Ferguson was the first to administer a virtual reach-around to Loyal Wayne: "All the talk will be about that winning goal. It was unbelievable. It was reminiscent of Denis Law although I'm not so sure that Denis ever put them in with such ferocity." Speaking of Denis Law goals at Old Trafford...

Even Loyal Wayne couldn't wait to talk up how good the strike was.

"I think it might have been the best goal I've ever scored... it almost certainly rules City out of the title race unless a disaster happens..."

...yo Wayne, I'm really happy for you, I'mma let you finish but Benjani had one of the best Old-Trafford-unintentional goals of all time...

Unfortunately, Wayne is dead right. That's pretty much curtains for our title campaign. No matter how well we played on the day, no matter how unlucky we were not to get anything — we didn't. And that's what makes this result so hard to take. With so much on the line, so much more than pride to play for, we've come up short against United again.

Despite claims by Summerbee et al that "United should be looking over their shoulder" we're just as far away from them lot as ever.

Manchester City v United: Derby Day late-mail

It's all well and good to be flippant, ironic, or even some occasions funny (well we try) about City — because let's face it, football is just a game, even if Bill Shankly may assert otherwise.

However, this is Derby Day. This is what being a Manchester City fan is all about.

Whilst avoiding the obvious allegations of being "bitter" and "obsessed", as a Blue, this is the first match I look out for when the fixtures are released. Playing United is the biggest game of any season — but especially this one, considering that it now true meaning in the context of both United's and City's season.

For what is football without its rivalries? The tribalism of your teams' colours as congregate for the away game (or black if you're a United fan *wink*), the frisson one experiences with a hint of danger in the air, as you gesture to the other fans as you make your way down Platt Lane George Street on a Saturday afternoon. You know a fight might just kick off at any moment, and you know you're better than them because of who you support, and they are weak scum, because of who they support. It's a Lesson In Pride, if you will.

But as for the day itself, I hate it and hate it in equal measures. The result is amplified: wins are orgasmic, defeats are crushing, while draws just infuriate.

In his Derby preview, Roberto Mancini loves it. The nutter.

"I like to play this game. I like to play at Old Trafford because it is better to win there than at home" commented Mancini.

"Because when you win away in a derby it is more important for our head and our personality."

"It is a derby and an important game — one team top of the table and one team third. Every game is difficult. Nobody thought United would lose against Wolves."

"But this is a football." Wise words indeed.

If fed, will score.

As for the teams, despite our assertions that the would be fit for the match, it really does seem that Rio Ferdinand will be out for this match, with Chris Smalling the underwhelming replacement at centre-half.

Javier "Chicken Tikka" Hernandez is unlikely to be involved as his transatlantic flight after international duty only landed on Friday, although he'll probably come of the bench and pop-up with a 90+6' winner.

Manchester City forward Mario Balotelli is battling to recover from the knee injury that has kept him out, but even if fully-fit, this is not a match I would play him in. Not only because he's first up after a spell, but also I think he would be goaded into doing something daft by United's persistent fouling.

Nigel de Jong will not be fit to play as he struggles to overcome an ankle injury. And this is the most important out — probably bigger than that of Ferdinand for United. For mine, I don't think we keep a clean sheet (and hence, pick up a result) without him.

I'd expect Roberto to pick pretty much the same XI that dismissed West Brom 3-0. Aleks Kolarov in midfield was a revelation last match, and along with Pablo Zabaleta would provide ample defensive cover against The Smooth Criminal on the left side of the pitch.

Carlos Tevez, with his bulldog-like approach, will most likely start up front on his lonesome, to a chorus of boos from the travelling United fans.

If (and it's a big if) we take the game to United early, I reckon we can get a result. Not a Nostradamus-like prediction by any means, but that's about as confident a statement I can make. They won’t sit back and defend.

And that might well help City, who have taken a few teams apart on the break this season. And aside from a few Mark Hughes-esque defensive performances, we've been strong at the back.

But if Don Roberto reverts to his big-game tactic of safety first like he did against Arsenal, then this could be the longest ninety ninety-six minutes of our lives.

Obligatory mention: don't forget to click this link and vote for Matt Coleman (Crouchy) in the Etihad Coming Home competition. Because it's important. But this is a football.

Manchester City v United Preview; and Fergie's mind-games...

It's often been said that Sir Alex Ferguson (those three words took about two minutes to type, my fingers were repulsed by the thought of pressing those keys) is a master of various dark arts.

Fergium Durationis: the ability to control time, whereby a mere gesture to his watch is enough to add an extra four, five, or even seven minutes of injury time if need be are added to the fourth-officials board — depending on the amount of goals required.

Domicillia Decisionium: the ability to ensure his team get home-town penalty decisions, even when many many miles from Manchester Trafford London.

Lastly, there is the less common It's-a-week-before-Derby-Day-and-fark-me-I-have-no-fit-players spell. In the lead-up to last year's Derby in November, a malevolent mystery virus just happened to sweep through Vermin Towers, infecting Patrice Evra, Nemanja Vidic, and Dimitar Berbatov along the way. Or in the case of Paul Scholes, it was terminal Gingervitis (boom boom).

Of course, all four of those players lined-up for United in the 0-0 draw — a match that would probably still be going if it was next-goal-wins, with or without the aforementioned Fergie Time.

This week's injury doubt is Rio Ferdinand, who sustained a bout of ankle-knack before TheInvincibles lolarious defeat to plucky little Wolves — no doubt getting just the right amount of injured to miss a meaningless England friendly on Wednesday, yet still be fit for Saturday.

"He turned his calf in the warm-up and he'll be out for a couple of weeks, I believe," slurred Ferguson.

With defensive replacements Chris Smalling suffering from being-just-a-little-bit-shite-itis, and Gary Neville out with I'm-too-shite-scared-to-play-in-case-I-feed-the-Tev-enza, Rio will make the most overblown and ill-fated comeback since the last John Farnham tour. And the one before that.

As for the match itself, long-gone are the days of looking forward to the Derby wistfully hoping that likkle ol' City could maybe, just maybe, steal a 1-1 draw before the Rags canter to another trophy. Three points to either side could well determine final league positions, even though we're so from the end of the season even Aleks Kolarov wouldn't have a go from this range.

Of course, it's an important game for Manchester City's players, and the only thing more important to those players than important games is sycophantically telling the world how important they are. Oh, here they are already. That didn't take long.

"Playing against United is always special, but what is important for us is to get focused on the game and try to win and take the three points." said Patrick Vieria, in what we pray is his only Derby contribution.

"We are confident and we have world-class players all the way through the side. We have younger players and older players and it's a good mix here. They are a top team, they have the experience of winning titles. They are looking to do that again and it's up to us to go and put a spanner in the works..." James Milner rambled, in a statement so cliche-ridden and banal we have lost the will to live, or type.

Rio Ferdinand snorting a line takes a tumble before last week's defeat at Wolves. Meanwhile, rubbish blog authors resist obvious references to Duran Duran.

Birmingham 2 City 2; this is a football...

Manchester City stumbled to a 2-2 draw away at Birmingham, which coupled with the previous games against Villa and Wolves, means that City have only picked up four points from the last nine available — all against teams in or near enough to the relegation zone. When you consider the uninspiring efforts against Leicester and Notts County in the FA Cup, Manchester City are in a dire run form, and certainly not that of a side that has/had title ambitions.

And of course, after every poor performance, comes the obligatory 'it's all my fault' interview where Mancini, just predictable as a Carlos Tevez penalty (it's always right down the middle!) will squeeze in at least one mention about football being "a strange".

It's Roberto's way of tucking us in, pulling the blankets up nice and tight so we don't catch our death, before he kisses us on the forehead and tells little LiP that "everything's going to be just fine... you get some sleep now... it's important..."

"I am disappointed with myself because I am the manager, and if we don't play well I blame myself. But we can't concede two goals every game, we must do something (about it) and we must play better."

"We played well for the first 50 minutes and then we forgot to play. I should change something. We must think about improving — we should try to play football again, because in the last few weeks we've forgotten this."

"We didn't play well. Sometimes it's impossible, in January and February the team are tired, but a team like us should be able to defend strongly and win 1-0."

"Football is strange..." (There it is!)

"Three months ago, we were nine points behind Chelsea. But we have to play like a team, play football and not concede goals..."

The problem is we've heard it all before from Roberto, about changing the system, being more positive, and especially about football being strange. I'm all for trying to eke out a tense 1-0, or even putting eleven men behind the ball and drawing 0-0 at tough away games like Arsenal. I don't even mind when we play James Milner and Jo as inverted wingers (okay, maybe not in the case of Jo). But when we're leaking goals for fun we may as well just throw caution into the wind sometimes. It just seems odd when you've spent the GDP of Tonga and Sao Tome and Principe combined (I did the maths) on footballers, you're still letting the opposition dictate the game. Especially opposition like Birmingham.

Of course, the cause wasn't helped by a sickening collision in the first-half between Maicon Richards and Nigel de Jong, with the midfielder requiring stitches to a gash — although it's probably more akin to hammering out a ding in the side of your car. Maicon was knocked unconscious, and had to be stretchered from the pitch. Compared to the last person that took on de Jong, he got off extremely lightly...

In better news, Ratface Gary Neville has retired football at the age of 47, leaving the game to concentrate on his life-long goal of finally growing a proper moustache. Although he'll most likely still be on the bench on the Derby to run up the touchline giving it the big I am, the gormless prick.

Here's a highlight reel showing his best contributions of a stellar nineteen-year career. (I think you know what video is coming next...)

@SultanaofBrunei: My stream is so far behind that Dickov's just equalised and is currently sliding on his knees...

Notts County 1 City 1; and yet-to-be discovered Amazonian tribes...

Catering staff and the number-crunchers at the City of Manchester Stadium whooped in delight, as Manchester City were held to a 1-1 draw at League One's Notts County — a team that should have probably been disposed of at the first time of asking, being 59 places lower in the football league, but *insert obvious reference to The Magic of The FA Cup* etc...

It was Edin Dzeko who scored the equaliser for City, expertly slotting in from six yards from a Maicon Richards cross.

On a pitch scarred by hosting two rugby matches, a U2 concert, and a recreation of the Battle of Passchendaele in the previous week, City struggled to create anything of note. However, a midfield of Jimmy Milner, Gumboots Gaz, and Uncle Pat is generally going to have about same level of creativity as the scriptwriters of Two and a Half Men (This week: Charlie wears a bowling shirt. He runs into an old flame. They sleep together. The dumb fat kid says something dumb. Roll credits. We get it already...)

Unsurprisingly, City looked much better once Jo was replaced by Silva in the second half; although, there are yet-to-be discovered Amazonian tribes that know Asian Dave would be at least "just a slight improvement". With long-term injuries to key players Mario Balotelli and Adam Johnson, uncertainty over the future of Subbeteo Wright-Phillips, Craig Bellamy, and Vladimir Weiss — the lack of a creative outlet apart from Silva or Tevez might present a problem in the coming months.

However, City are still in the hat, and will face Aston Villa at the City of Manchester Stadium should they safely negotiate past County in the replay. Thankfully, Darren "1-0" Bent is cup-tied, and not eligible for the clash.

Elsewhere, Australian Blues were left heart-broken by an extra-time defeat at the hands of Japan in the final of the Asian Cup in everybody's favourite footballing host nation, Qatar. Still, that's one more final of a major international competition than England's reached recently, so every cloud...

Please stand for the national anthem of Japan...

Villa 1 City 0; and things that are predictable.

Bent scores the winner against City for three separate clubs... he's heating up!

Football is a rather predictable game — despite our inability to select three winners on a Sports Multi every week.

Predictable: Roberto Mancini describing someone/something/somewhere as 'important'.

Predictable: Manchester United racking up another three comfortable points at home against Birmingham/Wigan/Blackburn et al.

Predictable: Professional career-ender Kevin Muscat picking up a red-card for a challenge that was maybe "just a little bit mistimed".

Predictable: any blog post by us not being anywhere near as funny or clever as we think at the time.

Predictable: Opposition fans suddenly regaining internet access to come out woodwork and give it the big I am, falling over themselves gloat that we have "over 100mill worth of strikers and still cant score"...

And so as night follows day, Darren Bent scored another match-winning goal against Manchester City, an occurrence so utterly foreseeable that even we picked it last week.

Thankfully, after already denying City a possible six points this season, that's the last of Darren Bent we'll see for a while... unless the money-grabbing, Twitter-posting, suddenly-value-for-money striker decides that he's got another week of the window left and fancies a move to Stoke.

A slight concern for the Blues (apart from falling further behind in the title race — thanks again McLeish!) is the apparent confusion that playing both Tevez and Dzeko in the same team has brought. Neither player seems entirely comfortable playing on the left of a forward three, something which Mario Balotelli, and dare I say it, even Jo, look more adept at doing.

In their desperation to equalise, City launched wave-after-wave of attack — with Tevez and Johnson determined to dribble around the whole opposition back-eight like something out of a Harlem Globetrotters film. Aston Villa were able to hold on to the slender one-goal advantage, thanks mainly to the frustratingly-dependable Richard Dunne, who will no doubt return to form with a yellow card and an OG next week.

News just keeps getting better for the Villa, with Gary Glitter said to be interested in buying a share of the club, after hearing their attack is Young, Bent, and possibly Keane...

And yes, that joke is so old by now that even Gary Glitter wouldn't invite it back to his hotel...

It's another day for you, you and me in paradise...

City 4 VfL Wolverhampton 3; obligatory Dzeko-based pun.

Moneybags Manchester City regained top spot in the League (albeit having played three games more than United), with a 4-3 victory over plucky little Wolves, who have spent a fraction etc...

It was a performance very atypical of what we have come to expect this season from City — gone was the resolute, you-shall-not-pass defense we've come to expect of the central pairing of Van San Kompany and Kolo Toure, replaced by scuffed clearances, needless penalties, and old-fashioned bricking-it. Although according to the BBC, we should have expected no less; after all "City's Achilles is their defence." That'd be the same defense that has leaked 19 goals at an average of 0.82 a game then? Oh...

"We can improve because although we played good football in the second half, we had some problems at the back and shouldn’t concede three goals at home," Mancini fumed, thankfully focusing on that negative and not losing it amongst the positive of scoring four at the other end — although Edin Dzeko's debut was the best in a number 10 shirt since, um Robinho. If that's a poor game by his standards (hasn't played in a month, doesn't know his teammates, hates the Manchester cold etc), I can't wait to see him in full flight.

We're not usually one to subscribe to the "the refs are all biast [sic] and they hate city!" school of thought, but extra points to Lee Mason for not only being incredibly shit — and playing enough additional time to ensure those who left the stadium early made it home before the final whistle — but also being the first ref to successfully pull of a Cruyff Turn mid-match.

Lucky, flimsy, scintillating, and heart-stopping. And a whole lot more exciting than watching West Ham. Boring, boring City indeed.

Love City, love bespoke Sky Blue suits...

Carling Cup Third Round Draw

We've drawn West Bromich Albion away, with the tie to played around the date of 20/21 September. While it doesn't seem too difficult tie on paper, it should not be forgotten that the last time we travelled to the Hawthorns we suffered a 2-1 defeat in December 2008.

The match also falls at an awkward time in the fixture list for us. In the space of nine days, we play Red Bull Salzburg away, followed by Wigan Athletic away, then this Carling Cup match away at West Brom, and finally Chelsea at home. So we'll need to rely on all of our 25-man squad to get us through that period.

The rest of the draw is very interesting indeed. There are five other all Premier League ties, and the fact that either Tottenham or Arsenal will not be in the next round is a definite advantage.

Brentford v Everton
Portsmouth v Leicester City
Stoke City v Fulham
Chelsea v Newcastle United
Aston Villa v Blackburn Rovers
Tottenham Hotspur v Arsenal
Millwall v Ipswich Town
Wolverhampton Wanderers v Notts County
Burnley v Bolton Wanderers
Birmingham City v MK Dons
Liverpool v Northampton Town
Scunthorpe United v Manchester United
West Bromwich Albion v Manchester City
Sunderland v West Ham United
Peterborough United v Swansea City
Wigan Athletic v Preston North End