City 2 West Ham 1; and a gratuitous Bin Laden reference...

Manchester City look to have all but secured Champions League qualification (you can read a bit more about that below) after grinding out a 2-1 victory over bottom-placed club West Ham United. And with Manchester United and Tottenham failing to pick up a point between them, a good weekend quickly turned into a great one for City fans. And Arsenal fans too, I suppose. Well, except for one, of course...

Manchester City were always going to be too strong for West Ham considering the difference in league position, and of course the matter of City having spent almost as much money on players in the off season as the US had in Afghanistan etc...

The task was made even tougher for West Ham before the clash, with Scott Parker missing the match to sign a contract with Tottenham with injury. Not even director David Sullivan could be bothered making the trip up to the match, such was his resignation to the outcome. But aside from a calamitous opening fifteen minutes, in which even the goal-shy Nigel de Jong managed to get on the goal sheet (and not from a mistimed slide tackle, amazingly), the Hammers didn't disgrace themselves by any means.

They could have concievably drawn the game too, had Carlton Cold's late effort found the net. It seems quite apt that a player with that name goes around for West Ham. Just like the beer, the Hammers were a lot bigger in the 90's and struggle to remain relevant today. And I'd hardly describe anything they do on the football pitch as "crisp"...

Carlton Cole — definitely a poor man's Becks...

It looks like "that's yer lot" as far as West Ham go for this season. Professional-overseer-of-relegations and Toad-From-Toad-Hall-understudy, Avram Grant, is still of the belief his side can amass 39 points and avoid relegation — if their season followed that same trajectory (seven points in the next three games) they'd be leading the league by 16 points.

Of course, the chances of that happening are about as likely as those of him being around to celebrate when they eventually attain that tally, in September 2012, are about as unlikely as Nigel de Jong ever scor... oh.

City 5 Sunderland 0: Blood on the dance floor...

There's something magical about a big Manchester City win. You just can't beat it. On the back of one ninety-minute display of "totale calcio" by City, the dark clouds of an deteriorating 2010-11 season quickly disappeared, to be replaced by a glorious, intense double rainbow.

Last week, fourth looked a million miles away. Now, with that win, plus just about every team in our vicinity failing (draws to Arsenal, Chelsea, and Tottenham, plus defeats to Liverpool and Bolton. Unfortunately the Rags won, but annoyingly, they've been nigh on invincible all season). We have a big chance to make history, and it's time for City fans to keep the faith.

Yes, it may have been a five-nil thriller — but it was only Sunderland. A team that has been in free-fall since selling Darren Bent in January. A team that has not scored in seven hours of football since February 12, and has collected one point in the last twenty-one available. It's not that impressive a result, really.

Not everything is black and white in football — indeed, the scoreline sometimes does not tell the whole story, and can often unfairly flatter or shame a team. In this case, the winning margin was not so much of importance, rather the manner of victory was. We looked dangerous every time we had the ball. It's very difficult to remember the time we dominated a match so convincingly.

You are not alone if you believe that Roberto Mancini and his tactics are too defensive/negative/Italian. There have been occasions this season where he has definitely told players to keep it in the closet, rather than go all out for the win. However, it's a myth that is easily believed by the tabloid junkies — just like the one about the Tottenham Globetrotters being some bastion of good old-fashioned attacking football, despite scoring less goals than all three promoted clubs this season.

Now that the team is back from an international break — and the manager can no longer peddle the tired "we are tired" excuse — we saw a different Manchester City. And it's no surprise that we looked so good in the first match of Adam Johnson's return (scoring nine minutes in was definitely not a bad way to signal it either), plus with Yaya Toure in a slightly deeper role in defensive midfield, and dare I say it, without Gumboots Gaz to slow everything down.

Mancini is now in a bit of a jam. Does he stick with the tactics that have so far led the side to third in the league and the semis of the FA Cup Sponsored By Ian, or does he go with this new cavalier attitude that we saw against Sunderland against the better sides like Liverpool and United? Seven games left in the league (one of which we'll be there in the flesh), and it's already shaping up to be a grand finale. I have butterflies already!

In honour of Mohammed al-Fayed's curious decision to build a statue of Michael Jackson at Craven Cottage, this post is littered with MJJ song titles. How many can you find? Leave the answer in the comments. Shamone!

City 1 Kiev 0: More "Waluigi" than "Super Mario"...

Manchester City limply exited the Ropey League at the Round of 16 stage — despite winning 1-0 on the night — after failing to overturn the two-goal deficit inflicted from the first leg by Dynamo Chicken Kiev.

It was a valiant effort by those ten players that could be bothered staying on the pitch, dominating the game for long periods despite the numerical shortfall.

For not the first time this season (or even not the first time against Dynamo Kiev), Mario Balotelli has let down the club, and probably more concerning than that, the manager that has defended him so vehemently. He was only on the pitch for 35 minutes, but even it that time managed to miss a gilt-edge chance, and throw his toys out of his pram on a regular basis.

At his wit's end, Mancini has turned to Super Nanny Jo Frost for inspiration, and relegated Balo to the naughty chair before Sunday's game at Stamford Bridge.

"I don't think he'll be in the squad," he mused.

"If Mario thinks, he could be a fantastic player. But this is his problem. When he does stupid things like tonight it's difficult for him, for me and for the team."

Whether City would have worn down Kiev to at least force extra-time we'll never know, but Mancini certainly seemed to think that they were a chance against a team that never looked like scoring an away goal that would have killed the tie.

Defenders of Joey Bartelli (if there are any left) will suggest that his petulance is due to 'his tough up-bringing'/'being racially abused his whole life'/'his homesickness'/'being just a kid'/'not being tucked into bed as a child' or a combination of the lot. But this constant defending and mollycoddling of Balo is part of the problem.

It's probably the same excuses he used, or people used, to explain his attitude when he was six. And twelve. And sixteen. And now at twenty, with the potential and the talent to be absolutely anything, he is still a little boy. An arrogant, petulant, ill-tempered boy who may wear a Blue shirt, but does not play for City.

I'm not sure if he can play for the club again this season, unless he has a complete attitude overhaul. His cards have been marked. Opposition teams are going to goad him into a reaction, and referees are going to penalise him knowing he has a reputation for doing so.

Maybe Baliability would benefit from some time in the reserves, but you'd get the impression he'd just stink up the pitch for the whole 90 minutes.

I try to like him, I really do. I found him quite refreshing at first. I even bought myself a Hatotelli... but it's extremely difficult to defend a player that has such disdain for the club that pays his wages.

Say what you like about Jo's shitness (and believe me, we have) at least you get the impression that he actually tries to not be shit.

Baliability needs the assistance of an adult to complete even the simplest of tasks, such as dressing himself, or going pot-pot.

It's still the wrong way around Mario! Oh forget it...

City 1 Reading 0; Micah's head gives City fans a semi...

Manchester City set up a mesmerising, tantalising semi-final with Them Lot Down The Road, after edging past Reading in a now customary less-than-inspiring performance.

Lack of depth has been a recent concern for City, however Mancini was able to call on the fit-again Nigel de Jong, and Subbuteo Wright-Phillips for this match — the latter of which showing a glimpses of the form that made him a terrace favourite for many years. It was fitting that the by far the best two players on the pitch were involved for the goal, with Maicon Richards nodding home a David Silva corner to ensure progression.

"It felt amazing," he declared, thankfully managing not to swear unlike last time the defender scored a header from a corner in the FA Cup.

"To come through the youth academy and to get us so far in the competition is an unbelievable feeling. We have United in the semis, which makes it more special. We can't wait."

"It makes it more interesting. If we want to win the competition we have to beat the best." Richards whooped, whilst wearing his favourite sequined fur robe.

Richards wasn't the only one getting all giddy about the prospect, with the club releasing a range of Wembley-inspired merch just minutes after the final whistle. There's nothing that says "small-time" like a piece of cheap commemorative tat to celebrate the fact that we're not quite as shit as we used to be.

It's foam hands this season, next we'll be shouting "DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE!" when the opposition has the ball. An oversized thumbs down from me.

Man City are my favourite soccer ball team. We're number one! USA! USA!

The (over) commercialisation of the game is not something limited to clubs of course. The fact fans of two teams from Manchester (and surrounds) will have to spend an inordinate amount on tickets, as well as an inordinate amount on train/fuel to travel all the way to Wemberleeeeeee for a cup semi-final is ridiculous.

I mean, if we have to travel miles from Manchester to a soulless dump full of cockneys and day-trippers, couldn't they just have held it at Old Trafford? (Insert obvious joke about 'it may as well be a home game for them if it's in London' here).

The semi-final will be played on the weekend of 16/17 April, which is when the match between Manchester City and Tottenham is due to take place.

And in an amazing piece of segue and a disgraceful piece of shameless self-promotion: voting is still open in the Etihad Coming Home competition, where two Lesson In Pride contributors and Sydney Blues regulars, Matt and Gav, have a one-in-eight chance of seeing that aforementioned City/Spurs game live at Eastlands. But we need your votes to make it happen!

So if you like what we do, we'd really like you to vote for us (if you haven't done so already). You've wasted five minutes reading the rest of the post, so please waste another minute of your time clicking the link below and voting for Matt Coleman.

Kiev 2 City 0; Allergies, excuses, and media blackouts...

Barring an extraordinary turn-around in form in the reverse fixture, Manchester City look likely to crash out of the Ropey League at the Round of 16 after a limp 0-2 loss to Dynamo Chicken Kiev. And by failing to score a vital away goal, the Blues will now need to score at least three in the return leg to progress.

I haven't seen Mancini's post-match interview, but I imagine that it will be along the lines of "we are tired", "we're playing every three days", "it was cold", "the pitch was not good" or some other ham-fisted attempt to justify a flaccid City performance (does Kolo Toure have a pill for that too?) by almost everyone on the pitch — and that includes the referee. UEFA ban coming for LiP methinks!

And not for the first time this season, Mancini is having to defend the performance of Mario "Top Deck" Balotelli, who had to be taken off early in the second half after suffering an allergic reaction to cold weather hard work the grass. He still had plenty of time to pick up a now customary booking, of course.

"He had an allergy, I don't know what, his face was swollen. He wanted to come out for the second half but he had this problem 10 seconds before coming out for the second half. I came out one minute before the players and I didn't see Mario" Roberto explained, without actually explaining anything. Like how he got through the first forty-five minutes just fine.

Mancini opted to start with a midfield three of Zabaleta, Gumboots Gaz, and Yaya Toure...

Speaking of managers speaking, or rather not speaking — earlier this week, Slur Alex Ferguson from That Club Up The Road came under fire for enacting a strict policy of blanking every media outlet possible — whether that be the BBC, Hale Preparatory School's monthly newsletter, or seldom-updated and overly-wordy Manchester City blogs. This blackout even extended to said-club's own television station, leaving a gap in programming that had to be hastily filled by repeats of Bargain Hunt, where two teams scour the lower leagues of Europe to find "value in the transfer market".

As easy as it is to describe Ferguson's bully-boy attitude to the media as "petulant" and "deplorable" (that's because it is), I sometimes wonder whether that would be a better alternative to what Manchester City are doing at the moment.

There's no doubt that City's Official Site is fantastic. There's plenty of fresh content, and most importantly, it doesn't look like a dog's breakfast compared to some other football websites. Watching the kitman going the gurn and doing some bit about the Oscars? Fine. Eating like your favourite Manchester City player? That's okay too. (Or if that doesn't take your fancy, you could always eat like your favourite Manchester City supporter...)

But then on the eve of one of the most important games in the context of this season, the club posts this video on Facebook, showing the team piss-farting about in the hotel before the match — and right in front of the manager too! Maybe if Mario had shown that kind of urgency during the match, the side wouldn't be in the predicament they're in now?

Sure, the friand-eating, square-framed-glasses wearing types that usually work in "Social Media" think this kind of publicity is the greatest thing since bikes came with fixed-gears, but can you imagine this happening at another club? Do you think Ferguson would have stood for that? Is this the kind of thing teams with "winning mentalities" do?

I don't mind the side losing occasionally, but when it seems the team can't be arsed, it winds me up no end. Especially when I then can't be arsed to turn that into 600 or so words of "witty" prose...

#UkraineFact: The national anthem of Ukraine is the Tetris theme Type B.

Aris 0 City 0; Fresher-in-foil, and pulped programmes...

Regular readers (or more correctly, people who mistakenly click on our links on NewsNow) may have been disappointed relieved to see that we haven't as yet commented on the big Ropey League blockbuster between Manchester City and Aris, Aris, Who The Fuck Are Aris FC from earlier in the week.

We could argue that LiP has better things to do at 4am Wednesday than watch football. Perhaps sleep, or even, you know, engage in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex. But, you don't become the leading only Australia-based Manchester City blog by being distracted by other such frivolities.

Truth be told, apart the odd chortle at the names of a few opposition players — a practice now customary since Alan turned out for Energy Drink Consortium FC — there was nowt much to write home about.

Ricardo Faty and Darcy Dolce Neto were popular choices in the comedy-name stakes — although if Aris are to progress to the next round, he Asda play better than he did on Wednesday, but there's probably Lidl chance of that happening.

Neto also had the annoying habit of going down way too easily when approached by other men. Which in my personal experience with women of Greek heritage, seems to be a common trait...

Personally, I was a big fan of the rice-cracker enthusiast Sakata, who thankfully for the home fans, comes with his own ready-made, fresher-in-foil, terrace chant.

However, a couple of days after the match itself was long forgotten by those that sat through the 90 minutes of blah, it was revealed that this bit of Photoshop genius somehow made its way into the Official Match Programme:

Doctored photograph of the Manchester City squad, starring such players as Lionel Messi, Zlatan Ibrohimivic, and Loyal Wayne. Francesco Toldo makes an appearance as Where's Wally/Waldo. [SPOILER] Wally can be found just to the left of Joe Hart and the right of James Milner.

It was apparently not before Garry Cook thumbed through the programme at a pre-match function that the error was discovered, but how Aris managed to cock this up is anyone's guess. Surely an electronic communique in the weeks prior to the match could have confirmed that yes, City do/do not have a first-team squad size that rivals any NFL team. Even typing "Manchester City ομαδικός φωτογραφία" into Google images (that's "Manchester City Team Photo" for those who don't live in the land of the Doner) reveals a few interesting results, not least of which a Three Wolf Moon t-shirt. But alas, no bloated team photo.

Whilst Garry Cook saw the funny side, unfortunately all but a select few copies were destroyed (one can be yours for the bargain-basement price of £182.77 if that's your go). And unfortunately for the fans in attendance, the pulping of the match souvenirs meant that there was one thing less to distract them from the tedium on the pitch...

United 2 City 1; and the Greatest Goal of All-Time Evaarrrrr

Just over forty eight hours on from the latest installment of the Most-Massive-Manchester-Derby-of-all-time, we're still digesting the ramifications of Wayne Rooney's Bestest-Ever-Derby-Goal-of-all-time. This is assuming of course that "best", is a synomym for "most shinned".

But anyway, much like the Conquistador of Mexico, and the Belgians in the Congo, football supporters have short memories. Sho-wo-wort memories.

Apparently now Loyal Wayne Rooney is "back" after fluking his fifth goal of the season (sixteen less than at the same date last campaign), after months of indifferent form and generally playing like a busted arse (and getting a 100% pay increase to do so) the sycophantic circle-jerking over the White Heskey has returned.

The Daily Mail is going so far as to suggest that it may have been the best goal scored at Old Trafford ever — despite the fact that Rooney was his rubbish, anonymous self for 77 minutes. And the fact it was shinned. And the fact it wasn't even the best goal scored at the Theatre of Tosspots this season...

David Silva shows immense skill and awareness to arse-volley Manchester City's equaliser.

Slur Alex Ferguson was the first to administer a virtual reach-around to Loyal Wayne: "All the talk will be about that winning goal. It was unbelievable. It was reminiscent of Denis Law although I'm not so sure that Denis ever put them in with such ferocity." Speaking of Denis Law goals at Old Trafford...

Even Loyal Wayne couldn't wait to talk up how good the strike was.

"I think it might have been the best goal I've ever scored... it almost certainly rules City out of the title race unless a disaster happens..."

...yo Wayne, I'm really happy for you, I'mma let you finish but Benjani had one of the best Old-Trafford-unintentional goals of all time...

Unfortunately, Wayne is dead right. That's pretty much curtains for our title campaign. No matter how well we played on the day, no matter how unlucky we were not to get anything — we didn't. And that's what makes this result so hard to take. With so much on the line, so much more than pride to play for, we've come up short against United again.

Despite claims by Summerbee et al that "United should be looking over their shoulder" we're just as far away from them lot as ever.

Manchester City v United Preview; and Fergie's mind-games...

It's often been said that Sir Alex Ferguson (those three words took about two minutes to type, my fingers were repulsed by the thought of pressing those keys) is a master of various dark arts.

Fergium Durationis: the ability to control time, whereby a mere gesture to his watch is enough to add an extra four, five, or even seven minutes of injury time if need be are added to the fourth-officials board — depending on the amount of goals required.

Domicillia Decisionium: the ability to ensure his team get home-town penalty decisions, even when many many miles from Manchester Trafford London.

Lastly, there is the less common It's-a-week-before-Derby-Day-and-fark-me-I-have-no-fit-players spell. In the lead-up to last year's Derby in November, a malevolent mystery virus just happened to sweep through Vermin Towers, infecting Patrice Evra, Nemanja Vidic, and Dimitar Berbatov along the way. Or in the case of Paul Scholes, it was terminal Gingervitis (boom boom).

Of course, all four of those players lined-up for United in the 0-0 draw — a match that would probably still be going if it was next-goal-wins, with or without the aforementioned Fergie Time.

This week's injury doubt is Rio Ferdinand, who sustained a bout of ankle-knack before TheInvincibles lolarious defeat to plucky little Wolves — no doubt getting just the right amount of injured to miss a meaningless England friendly on Wednesday, yet still be fit for Saturday.

"He turned his calf in the warm-up and he'll be out for a couple of weeks, I believe," slurred Ferguson.

With defensive replacements Chris Smalling suffering from being-just-a-little-bit-shite-itis, and Gary Neville out with I'm-too-shite-scared-to-play-in-case-I-feed-the-Tev-enza, Rio will make the most overblown and ill-fated comeback since the last John Farnham tour. And the one before that.

As for the match itself, long-gone are the days of looking forward to the Derby wistfully hoping that likkle ol' City could maybe, just maybe, steal a 1-1 draw before the Rags canter to another trophy. Three points to either side could well determine final league positions, even though we're so from the end of the season even Aleks Kolarov wouldn't have a go from this range.

Of course, it's an important game for Manchester City's players, and the only thing more important to those players than important games is sycophantically telling the world how important they are. Oh, here they are already. That didn't take long.

"Playing against United is always special, but what is important for us is to get focused on the game and try to win and take the three points." said Patrick Vieria, in what we pray is his only Derby contribution.

"We are confident and we have world-class players all the way through the side. We have younger players and older players and it's a good mix here. They are a top team, they have the experience of winning titles. They are looking to do that again and it's up to us to go and put a spanner in the works..." James Milner rambled, in a statement so cliche-ridden and banal we have lost the will to live, or type.

Rio Ferdinand snorting a line takes a tumble before last week's defeat at Wolves. Meanwhile, rubbish blog authors resist obvious references to Duran Duran.

Birmingham 2 City 2; this is a football...

Manchester City stumbled to a 2-2 draw away at Birmingham, which coupled with the previous games against Villa and Wolves, means that City have only picked up four points from the last nine available — all against teams in or near enough to the relegation zone. When you consider the uninspiring efforts against Leicester and Notts County in the FA Cup, Manchester City are in a dire run form, and certainly not that of a side that has/had title ambitions.

And of course, after every poor performance, comes the obligatory 'it's all my fault' interview where Mancini, just predictable as a Carlos Tevez penalty (it's always right down the middle!) will squeeze in at least one mention about football being "a strange".

It's Roberto's way of tucking us in, pulling the blankets up nice and tight so we don't catch our death, before he kisses us on the forehead and tells little LiP that "everything's going to be just fine... you get some sleep now... it's important..."

"I am disappointed with myself because I am the manager, and if we don't play well I blame myself. But we can't concede two goals every game, we must do something (about it) and we must play better."

"We played well for the first 50 minutes and then we forgot to play. I should change something. We must think about improving — we should try to play football again, because in the last few weeks we've forgotten this."

"We didn't play well. Sometimes it's impossible, in January and February the team are tired, but a team like us should be able to defend strongly and win 1-0."

"Football is strange..." (There it is!)

"Three months ago, we were nine points behind Chelsea. But we have to play like a team, play football and not concede goals..."

The problem is we've heard it all before from Roberto, about changing the system, being more positive, and especially about football being strange. I'm all for trying to eke out a tense 1-0, or even putting eleven men behind the ball and drawing 0-0 at tough away games like Arsenal. I don't even mind when we play James Milner and Jo as inverted wingers (okay, maybe not in the case of Jo). But when we're leaking goals for fun we may as well just throw caution into the wind sometimes. It just seems odd when you've spent the GDP of Tonga and Sao Tome and Principe combined (I did the maths) on footballers, you're still letting the opposition dictate the game. Especially opposition like Birmingham.

Of course, the cause wasn't helped by a sickening collision in the first-half between Maicon Richards and Nigel de Jong, with the midfielder requiring stitches to a gash — although it's probably more akin to hammering out a ding in the side of your car. Maicon was knocked unconscious, and had to be stretchered from the pitch. Compared to the last person that took on de Jong, he got off extremely lightly...

In better news, Ratface Gary Neville has retired football at the age of 47, leaving the game to concentrate on his life-long goal of finally growing a proper moustache. Although he'll most likely still be on the bench on the Derby to run up the touchline giving it the big I am, the gormless prick.

Here's a highlight reel showing his best contributions of a stellar nineteen-year career. (I think you know what video is coming next...)

@SultanaofBrunei: My stream is so far behind that Dickov's just equalised and is currently sliding on his knees...

Notts County 1 City 1; and yet-to-be discovered Amazonian tribes...

Catering staff and the number-crunchers at the City of Manchester Stadium whooped in delight, as Manchester City were held to a 1-1 draw at League One's Notts County — a team that should have probably been disposed of at the first time of asking, being 59 places lower in the football league, but *insert obvious reference to The Magic of The FA Cup* etc...

It was Edin Dzeko who scored the equaliser for City, expertly slotting in from six yards from a Maicon Richards cross.

On a pitch scarred by hosting two rugby matches, a U2 concert, and a recreation of the Battle of Passchendaele in the previous week, City struggled to create anything of note. However, a midfield of Jimmy Milner, Gumboots Gaz, and Uncle Pat is generally going to have about same level of creativity as the scriptwriters of Two and a Half Men (This week: Charlie wears a bowling shirt. He runs into an old flame. They sleep together. The dumb fat kid says something dumb. Roll credits. We get it already...)

Unsurprisingly, City looked much better once Jo was replaced by Silva in the second half; although, there are yet-to-be discovered Amazonian tribes that know Asian Dave would be at least "just a slight improvement". With long-term injuries to key players Mario Balotelli and Adam Johnson, uncertainty over the future of Subbeteo Wright-Phillips, Craig Bellamy, and Vladimir Weiss — the lack of a creative outlet apart from Silva or Tevez might present a problem in the coming months.

However, City are still in the hat, and will face Aston Villa at the City of Manchester Stadium should they safely negotiate past County in the replay. Thankfully, Darren "1-0" Bent is cup-tied, and not eligible for the clash.

Elsewhere, Australian Blues were left heart-broken by an extra-time defeat at the hands of Japan in the final of the Asian Cup in everybody's favourite footballing host nation, Qatar. Still, that's one more final of a major international competition than England's reached recently, so every cloud...

Please stand for the national anthem of Japan...

Villa 1 City 0; and things that are predictable.

Bent scores the winner against City for three separate clubs... he's heating up!

Football is a rather predictable game — despite our inability to select three winners on a Sports Multi every week.

Predictable: Roberto Mancini describing someone/something/somewhere as 'important'.

Predictable: Manchester United racking up another three comfortable points at home against Birmingham/Wigan/Blackburn et al.

Predictable: Professional career-ender Kevin Muscat picking up a red-card for a challenge that was maybe "just a little bit mistimed".

Predictable: any blog post by us not being anywhere near as funny or clever as we think at the time.

Predictable: Opposition fans suddenly regaining internet access to come out woodwork and give it the big I am, falling over themselves gloat that we have "over 100mill worth of strikers and still cant score"...

And so as night follows day, Darren Bent scored another match-winning goal against Manchester City, an occurrence so utterly foreseeable that even we picked it last week.

Thankfully, after already denying City a possible six points this season, that's the last of Darren Bent we'll see for a while... unless the money-grabbing, Twitter-posting, suddenly-value-for-money striker decides that he's got another week of the window left and fancies a move to Stoke.

A slight concern for the Blues (apart from falling further behind in the title race — thanks again McLeish!) is the apparent confusion that playing both Tevez and Dzeko in the same team has brought. Neither player seems entirely comfortable playing on the left of a forward three, something which Mario Balotelli, and dare I say it, even Jo, look more adept at doing.

In their desperation to equalise, City launched wave-after-wave of attack — with Tevez and Johnson determined to dribble around the whole opposition back-eight like something out of a Harlem Globetrotters film. Aston Villa were able to hold on to the slender one-goal advantage, thanks mainly to the frustratingly-dependable Richard Dunne, who will no doubt return to form with a yellow card and an OG next week.

News just keeps getting better for the Villa, with Gary Glitter said to be interested in buying a share of the club, after hearing their attack is Young, Bent, and possibly Keane...

And yes, that joke is so old by now that even Gary Glitter wouldn't invite it back to his hotel...

It's another day for you, you and me in paradise...

Mario Balotelli: brilliant footballer, even better WUM...

Mario Balotelli has used his latest injury lay-off to WUM just about everyone in world football, with Wayne Rooney, Jose Mourinho, and even the entire Barca team copping a serve.

"Rooney is a very good player but not the best [striker] in Manchester. Our attack of Balotelli-Tevez-Dzeko is the best in the world. We are the strongest. Better even than Barcelona and Real Madrid" scowled Mario — and that's not even mentioning the other attacking talent in the squad, David Silva, Adam Johnson, and Jo Yaya Toure.

The want-away Italian also claimed he is better than Rayne Wooney, but then again, with one goal from open play in twelve league appearances this season, that puts Tabloid Wayne amongst the great goal poachers of our time, alongside such luminaries as Joleon Lescott and Micah Richards. Still, it's one more goal than Jo's managed this season, so every cloud...

"Do United fans insult me? No, they stop me in the street and say: 'Mario, come to us'. But I dream of beating them because I know how much the City fans care. They are wonderful with me. When they sang my name after the hat-trick, I had chills..."

"They're multiplyin'!" he didn't add.

Meanwhile, in breath-taking transfer news, 'Arry "I ain't no wheeler and dealer" Redknapp has wheeled-and-dealed himself another midfielder, with Steven Pienaar the latest to sign for those ultra-attacking, devil-may-care, free-scoring Tottenham Globetrotters. Who despite the presence of the bestest left-back turned left-winger in the world, have still netted six less goals than Boring, Boring City.

"I've had brilliant years at Everton and it will always be a special place in my heart," tweeted Pienaar as he left Goodison Park, just before having his iPhone nicked.

Elsewhere, Darren Bent has joined Aston Villa from Sunderland for the cut-price fee of £18million, just in time to score another late winner against us on Saturday... sorry, £18 million?

Is he really worth one Roque Santa Cruz? Ok, poor example... is he really worth two-thirds of an Edin Dzeko? (Presumably you'd take the two legs. And the head. You could do without the arms...)

Bent is no doubt worth the extra money because can he score the odd goal, but he is also English, and would therefore qualify as a home-grown player under UEFA regulations. This would be important in the unlikely event of Aston Villa avoiding relegation qualifying for the Europa League, also known as "hell freezing over".

The only thing more shocking than a player moving from the top six to a team in a relegation dogfight is the fact that people are still wringing their hands at the thought that players move clubs "just for the money"...

Bridge joins West Ham on loan; sub-editors (and City fans) rejoice.

Wayne Bridge proves he is as useless with his right hand as he is with his right foot, missing an easy handshake by at least two feet...

Sub-editors across the globe were predictably tripping over themselves to be the first to publish a headline with a gratuitous Simon and Garfunkel pun, as Wayne Bridge joined the troubled West Ham (damn, it's an easy trap to fall into) on loan for the rest of the season.

The 'Ammers will even pay the full whack of Bridge's £90,000 weekly wage, as they desperately try to undo the damage caused by playing Tal Ben Haim in defense all year.

Bridge was Mark Hughes' first true post-takeover signing, joining the club in January 2009 for the typically frugal figure of £11 million.

"I am glad the loan is sorted and I'm ready to play. It will be great to play a part in helping keep West Ham in the Premier League. It would be a big achievement."

"I know a few of the players from England and I know the physio," he continued, without an apparent hint of irony, considering his injury-plagued time at City.

We've spent a lot of money in recent times, but it seems awfully hard to justify £20 million pounds of investment on a player who aside from his early days at Southampton, has robbed a career as an okay left-back and serial bench-warmer. One who you'd suspect would happily go all Winston Bogarde on us and sit back and collect a wage for doing not much at all...

Michael Johnson: Gets knocked down, gets back up again...

Michael Johnson successfully completing a back-pass from the penalty spot against FC Midgetland.

Astonishingly, Michael Johnson has managed to complete an entire interview (and a half of football) without picking up another season-ending injury, playing forty-five minutes in the Elite Squad's 4-0 win over Rochdale.

The 22 stone year-old midfielder has not started a game for the club since a 3-0 win at the Stadium of Light back in September 2008 — lining-up along side world-class talents such as a Tal Ben Haim and Gelson Fernandes.

"It was good to be out there. It has been too long as it has been over a year since my last game."

"I felt good, although a bit rusty at times. Fitness-wise, I am there or thereabouts," he added, before skolling his pint to get one more in before the teams came out for the second half.

What happens next is anybody's guess. The kid has ability, but is he good enough to get us where we're going, even on the off-chance he regains full fitness?

The tub-thumping, Rag-hating, "Adam Johnson should start every game" faction will continue to compare him to the great Colin Bell based on a couple of goals three seasons ago — some have even gone so far as suggest he's adequate cover for David Silva. But with the several gazillion pounds of talent the bench this season, he'll be doing well to make more appearances than Stuart Taylor.

A loan to a team in the 'Lekkie Leagues, such as Preston or Leicester, would be ideal for all parties.

On a not completely unrelated theme, Roque Santa Cruz is going to have to scoot up a bit on the treatment table to make room for Mario Balotelli, who is set to miss yet another month of football with knee-ouch. So that'll be another month of having his picture taken with some tandoori-basted, fake-norked floozy before doing one back to Milan, then.

And people wonder why the kid doesn't smile?

Shallow Jo; and deciding which Premier League club to relegate...

"Can you believe Thaksin paid 18 million for me... he must have been high, son!"

According to latest reports, everyone's favourite Marlon Wayans (and professional footballer) impersonator, Jo, is said to be the target of five (count 'em!) separate football clubs. Yes, to actually play football for them...

The 23-year-old Jo — full name: For Fuck's Sake Jo — was thought to be on the radar of Greek giants Olympiakos, however this has been denied by his agent.

"There is no option for Jo to go to Greece," said the luckiest Mister-Ten-Percenter in the business, much to the relief of Olympiakos fans worldwide.

"Jo has five offers right now from clubs outside of England but he doesn't want to leave."

"There is no offer from Olympiakos. We have offers from Spain, France and Russia." And from Manchester City fans willing to drive him wherever required, he didn't add.

I can only assume that Bobby Manc is afflicted with a similar condition to that of Jack Black in 'Shallow Hal'. However, rather than becoming smitten with a grossly obese woman — Don Roberto has fallen head over heels for a (alleged) Brazilian (alleged) footballer, who was once deemed surplus to requirements at Everton and Galatasaray. Yes, the same Everton that once paid Lucas Neill a weekly wage.

In other news, City's fifth-choice left back, Wayne Bridge, is apparently set to decide which claret-and-blue clad Premier League club he'd like to relegate — with both West Ham and Aston Villa interested in signing the only man who uses his left foot for both accelerating and braking.